Friday, December 31, 2004
Final report of the year
Well hello, ladies, to the end of the year. This is the time where we reflect our achievements in the year that is 2004.
In yesterday's blog I mentioned about sending her an SMS (yes, I really need to forget about her!). Well, I've wrote up the SMS. It's just me wanting to write my head off, just letting off some of the luggage that was stuck there.
Without further ado, here's the SMS:
[BLEEP! Lame (and very long) quasi-SMS was here! Dee-Leeted!]
"Whatever it is, I wish you a good year in 2005, may your life be blessed with goodness all around. "
Well, of course it's too long to be a real SMS. Like I said, just letting the steam off.
As for the final report of the year, there's nothing much to say about. The year is all about ups and downs. Lots of down. Twice especially in the heart department. Yep. But of course there's lots more ups. I'm not gonna list down any of them here, for I am malas of typing anything up now.
All I'd like to wish for is that my readers (Lase, Ibanez, Kero-chan, G-man. Short list, ne?) a happy new year, and hope that the new year brings in new happiness to all of us, no matter where and no matter when. It probably matter a bit for the who :D.
Ibanez, it's sad about that blackout. Heh, not your luck, I guess.
Sore ja. See you in 2005.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Of SMSes and sick bodies
Damn...I have a runny nose right now and my body's not 100%. Waa... I don't wanna demam now... I've got so much to do...
I've been thinking to send an SMS to [BLEEP](yeah yeah I know I should've forgotten her already. But this one story has a direction to go to, so just read on), wanting to at least mend the broken ties. I'm not gonna reconcile, just want to at least be more than faces in the office. Yes, the relationship has degraded that low. I mean c'mon, we're both [BLEEP], there's a likeliness we're gonna [BLEEP], so I guess it's a good time to mend the fence.
It happened that the day I skipped class, there's a [BLEEP] in the campus. Something about [BLEEP] and some other shit. So basically there's gonna be a [BLEEP] and that means, I'm gonna see [BLEEP].
Oy vey, I'm not whining ya bitches, if that's what you're thinking about. What I want is (geez I have a hobby of repreating myself, previous errors included) that I want to mend the odd fences. It gets akward of meeting someone you love/you hate in the same room, and have to communicate even. Yeah, let bygones be bygones. I want to start fresh. NOT as a couple or anything, but professional peers in a local faculty. You know my tenacious stand on professionalism (I take professionalism highly).
Erm... I wanted to type some quasi-SMS in here, just to show you what I wanted to talk about her. But alas, my precious mind is up to its tricks again, and I'm hungry. So there.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
2 days' worth of blog...and what difference!
Would'ya believe that I've got 2 days' worth of trash, and they're completely different from one to the other? Well, let's post the old one first:
"The one that was supposed to be out of my mind comes back haunting me, and the worst part is, I wanted her to come haunting me.
By I'm supposed to not think about her. At least no more feelings for her. I've felt this time and time again. No matter who, no matter when. It throbs in the back of my head, and this is what is called an ambivalence feeling. Like it or hate it, it's there. Right there.
Of course there's always a backstory to everything. It's a short one at that. [BLEEP] was mentioned in one of the many throwback conversations us boys have in the penthouse. The boys did not aim it at anyone in particular, it's just a throwaway conversation. But somehow, it hit me like a boulder.
And like always, I suffer in silence. It would be stupid for me to express my dissatisfaction or displeasure or stupid emo bits to the boys. I just shut up and let my mind rot itself for listening to that name.
It's not that I hate the name. Heck, I fell [BLEEP] with [BLEEP] . But I'm supposed to go past that stage already. Move on. I am moving on. I have classes and I have obligations. I guess there's this one weakness with me and past loves which renders me incapacitated. lame, lame.
It happened before with [BLEEP]. And now it's happening all over again with [BLEEP]. I guess it's a work of an incomplete, young mind. And I lie to myself that I'm 22 years old. I am 22 years old, but only on the outside. My capacity to learn about these pains are still of a achild; responsive, but not able to react. and even worse when dealing with the same subject over and over again.
I'm just a child. I believe that when I said to myself that I wouldn't meddle in the social dealing of the people around me. The social politics of the people here overwhelms me, and I take the easy way out: I run away.
I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away.
Unable to help myself, I run away. Unable to grasp the social politics, I run away. Unable to pull myself out of any rut, I run away. But as I run away, I try helplessly to grab myself from behind, I want to cure him and comfort him and make him forget everything. But I couldn't catch myself, I was too fast running away.
The question beckons: where do I run away to? The answer is simple, it has always been there. I know the answer every time this question has been asked. Where do I run away to?
"The past. It's always been the past."
God damn that was depressing. You could feel the angst coming through your PC monitor, like some pizza oven heat or something. Brr...
And now for today's post... which I lied. I don't have a today post, instead I'm gonna write one now. D'oh!
Erm, basically, I'm 180 degrees away from the previous post's state of mind. I'm now a healthy young man, ready to rock the world in my own idiosyncratic way. I might not forget about her, but at least I'm not a whining bitch shinji anymore. I guess I've lost my angstyness during the past few days.
Oh, the past few days. I gotta be frank to y'all. I skipped classes on both days. Yes, you can shoot me with the orbital laser platform, just make sure you aim it to Sec.18, Shah Alam. But the two days of the quasi-vacation did some wonders to me. It gave me a lot of time to think and to reflect back on the year that is two-double-naught-four.
Somehow, I managed to wade through the fuzz. It became clearer to me now. Of course there's not light shining above me with my mini-nirvana revelation. I don't need that. What I know is that there will be a new year coming in and I with effort, I could make that year mine. I could say that's my new year resolution.
Hmm..So my New Year's resolutions are:
- Maintain my daily prayers. Heck, even the regular ones are non-existent. I'm aiming to eradicate this, by telling myself to follow the prayer times.
- Finish homework earlier. This could be done. But with the distractions, it's a give-or-take situation.
- Less angst, more smiles. This one I really want.
Hmm...no more I guess. There are more, but it might not happen, or it happened but died in the process. The top-most resolution, the prayer, I want it to stay there. I might falter in time, but if I try very hard I could maintain it. The other resolutions, well, they'll fall into the NYResolution hell, which is from January to around March, if lucky.
If lucky.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Wish list and tsunamis
I'm gonna ask for a pre-apology to Ibanez, cos I'm gonna diss his wish list a bit. Just a bit.
Seeing his wish list, it makes me think of my own wish list, if I have one that is. I searched inside me, and found nothing resembling a wish list. Not even a top-ten list. Of course that doesn't include the "I want an iPod, I want a laptop!" cries, 'cause those cries are dismissed easily as childish or necessity (which is which, I don't know).
Then I studied back the concept of a wishlist, put it side-by-side with Ibanez's, and try to make up one for myself. Then I realized: My wish list ain't material, it's more of a emotional state, or at least non-material. Something I couldn't hold, but know that it's there.
To cut things short, here's the wishlist:
Good friends to have a rip-roaring supper with.
Someone I could really let my heart out to. Not lovey-dovey stuff, just someone to talk to.
Good rapport among peers close and far.
An okay reputation to my name, because I don't wanna ruin my family's name.
Erm...kinda short list, but that's the basics of it. I don't know how to elaborate further, 'cos there's a pasar malam roaring just outside of the CC, and my mind ain't on this blogging shit right now.
Sitting on it some more, it kinda feels like I'm insecure about something. The more I think about it the more I feel insecure about it and myself.
Oh yeah, the big news about the tsunami hitting our coasts. I really couldn't believe it until I saw the papers. My heart goes out to the victims and all. I wish I could be there and witness the catastrophe, and help out. Heck, it's my area for crying out loud. But I'm here, and nothing could be farther than here. It's botsh shock and awe for me to learn about the tidal waves hitting us. Guess that makes us vulnerable, innit? I bet the firebrand preacers gonna come out and say that We're been lagging in our religious duties, and this is what God gives us. or they could just shut up and learn from this international incident.
I dunno, this is way out of my league. I'm just a stupid boy who only thinks about friendship. How naive of me.
Okey-dokey, I'm gonna be moody for the rest of the night. Whee.
Friday, December 24, 2004
Field of Dreams and general dreaming
"Blue blue glass moon, under the crimson sky." Hey, it's a full moon out tonight.
Well, maybe that's the reaso-- naah. Not tonight.
First off I'd like to wish Merry Christmas to my friends-- wait..lemme count... I'd like to wish Merry Christmas to my friend out there who might be having a Christmas dinner with her family. Or not.
Well, What a dismal night tonight. But what a stellar day today was. Basically my parents came down to Rawang last night. By train even XD. My mum had this regional meeting in the city and what a good way to travel to the city if not by train? My dad was bored anyways with driving down, and he even got senior citizen's tickets and a privildged person's ticket for my bro too.
But the fun thing was today: We (my dad and my bros. Not mum. Meeting maa) went to KL tower for the first time. Went to the field of dreams: The National Stadium in Bukit Jalil. We even stepped on the field that my homestate won the prestigious cup. Fun fun fun.
Then I had to come back here to this crummy place. Damn what a bored dusk I had. Sitting around at the Penthouse, with nothing to do is harmful for the soul. It was like a mini-depression was setting in. It was...seething. And it's even Christmas eve. Damn depresssing.
Or not. Here's the Reader's Digest version: Went out, depressed. Came in into a CC. One Friend popped up online and chatted with me. Another one came on and chatted with me. Then one called me on the phone saying he wants to lepak with me. Now whaddaya call this miracle?
Quote my friend, "that's instant celebrex (one of the drugs banned due to heart risk)." Oh yeah.
Meh, I wanted to type longer and stay online longer. Maybe I couldn't type any longer, but I can surf as long as my body permits.
And something in my noggin named PerNaNoWriMo January 2005. Will elaborate later.
Monday, December 13, 2004
If you just smile...
Smile - by Nat King Cole
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
Oh hell... How the hell I'm gonna start this one... Lesse...
First thing's first: I got my right index finger stuck at a door yesterday night while I was snooping around the premise. Now basically I can't type properly using my index finger. It hurts that bad when I accidentally hit the keyboard. I couldn't even hold the pencil properly to pre-write this blog.
Mmm, yeah. One thing that made me like [BLEEP] was that she's honest and direct. If she wants to say something, she'd have said it a long time ago.
Earlier this morning, I sent an SMS to her, asking her to [BLEEP] tonight. Somehow, I knew that there will be a negative answer from her, but I promised I wouldn't fret about it. I said to myself that if I got a negative message, I would just replace it with a positive thought and just live the rest of the day on a positive tone. Yeah, yeah, I'm positive-minded today, even if negativity's sure in the horizon.
Then I got a reply from her. Expecting a negative answer, I just braced myself. The SMS was honest and direct, just like her.
[BWAHAHAHA! LAME SMS DEE-LEETED!]
Wow. Wouldya expect that one.
Therein lies the dilemma, a simple one at that: should I go berserk or should I just stay positive?
It took me a few processing cycles to decide, but I know the decision I made was the best course action: I stayed positive. And gentlemanly. That Nat King Cole song never came to me as fast as this before.
It really hurts inside right now. But I hide it behind the smile. I just have to make a brave face. I'm a new person in Shah Alam, even though the old me is still inside. But I rather not show my old self. My old self should even not show himself here. My old self stays hidden.
Hidden, but not silenced. I really need someone to talk to. An outlet for me to let it all out. I want somebody I could really share with. I'm really hurting and there's no one in my vicinity who I could talk to.
Basically, I don't know where to go from here on now. I need guidance. It's pathetic for me, for I am someone who is capable of giving semi-professional guidance to someone else. Heck, I've even guided [BLEEP] thru one of her girl-dilemma things. And yet here I am, lonely and struggling, someone in need of guidance.
Sigh...I guess the trip to Sg.Besi didn't turn out well? Erm, no. It did turn out well. Just not the right kind of well.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
National Security internal breach...
I'm in my Batman mode right now (which means I'm not Bruce Wayne, which means I'm really dark and brooding right now) and I want to blog, dammit. Incedentally, I'd like to enlist the help of my personal physician, Doc Love, Ph.D (Matters of Love and the Heart), B.Hons (Best Friend), University of Michigan.
My dear readers, you're gonna have a treat tonight. Basically I'm gonna blog about everything that's in my head right now. EVERYTHING. That's right, readers. I'm gonna break the National Security procedures and I'm gonna tell you everything that makes me tick tonight. I expect the Black Maria van to pick me up as soon as I leave this CC.
Let's start things in a smoother scale first. Basically I have this empty black shell where my soul used to be. I duno how, but apparently tonight, I had this immensable hate for the world. And for the love of all living things, I hate my boys right now. There's no sense of unity tonight. Everybody's on their own track right now. And somehow, I hate it. But I've got to remind myself time and time again, they have their own lives, their own needs. They don't have to be around you all the time.
Then I realized why I'm feeling like this: I wanted to have company. At least somebody to talk to. I mumbled to myself that I missed Giant (the boy who's still stuck in Melaka). He is someone who I can talk to. We just ride in his car, just drive around and talk. At least I'm not lonely.
Lonely? I'm lonely? In this big city? Apparently, I do feel lonely. Heh, it sounds like I need professional counseling. I just learned that in class. I don't know why I feel lonely, but I do. Guess I should've find that lecturer of mine and make an appointment...
Yeah yeah...I bitch, ne?
Ookay..this is where we get to the roller-coaster ride. Get ready...
[editus rex: @syaoran: you what? don't tell me you messed "it" for the n-th time?! =.=' . Oh yeah, I did it big-time. So shoot me, dammit.]
Y'see, I have this problem of sorts, the central figure is a girl. Her name's [BLEEP]. She's [BLEEP], so she has this [BLEEP]. I loved my friend's expression when I introduced [BLEEP] to him. She greeted them by saying [BLEEP] and all my boys froze with a shocked expression on their faces. I really loved that moment.
I really loved her.
I loved her smile which has this particular spark on me. She looks a bit geeky, but she's okay nonetheless. Her short hair flows in the wind, her frameless spectacles glints off the sunlight and blinds me with with a one-two combo together with her charming smile. She is a practical dresser, and she knows what to wear when we go out to walk at the park or pasar malam. We talked as we walked, and I had to hold her arms and warn her about incoming traffic, lest she is engrossed in one of her talks. She smiles sporadically, so i mentioned to her that a smile can bring out positive energies, energies that she lacked. With her smile, she also provides the positive energy to me. She smiled when I praised her [BLEEP] she wore to class. We we [BLEEP]. But I tried to be on the same [BLEEP]. She has that naive eyes, which I was determined not to let her feel sadness. I was determined to protect her.
Somehow, we clicked instantly. We talked a lot and hung out alot. We went to the [BLEEP] and bought food and [BLEEP]. We went to lunch together, and she would get angry at me for belanja-ing her (god, that's some familiar modus operandi..).
But things...Didn't go so well. To put it in Reader's Digest version, I didn't give her [BLEEP]. So basically she's mad at me for being too [BLEEP] to her. She mentioned to me in the on the way to class. She was silent all the way, with no sign of a smile. I inquired her why, and she just asked me why I haven't been with my posse. I told her it's my choice for me to be with who I want. Somehow, when I said this, my too-advanced brain knew what she was inferring to. She wanted space, pure and simple, and I didn't have the right processing power necessary for me to realize that beforehand.
When I did realize it, I backed out gracefully. Gentleman to the last, I would say. Gentleman all the way, alright.
Behind her, I cursed myself for not realizing it sooner. Why couldn't I saw it coming? Why didn't I gave her the space earlier? Why this, why that? One thing is for sure, I am an idiot.
Yes, yes. I kantoi'd big-time. Ain't me a genious!? blugrghghg...Going cataconic...
One thing that is stuck in me, I'm really determined to woo this gem of my heart. I don't want her to get hurt. I love [BLEEP] with all my heart, and I can't stand losing her, like so many before her. This is my new chapter in life, dammit, and I don't want the mistakes of the past come back hauting me like an old scab in the back of my neck. I've lost so many before her. I've lost all the previous ones because I'm a wuss, not man enough, or basically a chicken. There was one before her (of course not [BLEEP] , she's a fucking stuck-up [BLEEP] who wouldn't even say hi to me, [BLEEP] ). There was one before her whom I loved so much, but I...just faltered. I just jumped the boat even before it sank. I was afraid of failures. I was afraid if hurting my own heart. I was selfish, but that was the old me...
This is me in Shah Alam. The old me is still here, but this is a new chapter we're talking about. Yes, the old ghost will still haunt me till the end of time, but at least let me gain something this time. The very least is a love from a girl...
I couldn't bear to see her not smiling to me. I couldn't bear to read her insincere SMSes. I couldn't bear her to...not acknowledge me.
Is that what's it's all about? You?? You and your acknowledgement? Your never-ending lust for acknowledgement by another? What are you, a character from NGE? (yes...?)
Whatever it is, I just want her. I want to love her. At least, I don't want her to have negative feelings on me. I.. I never cared so much for a girl. I cared so much for [BLEEP]. But thru my infinite stupidity, I managed to shun her. I managed for her to repulse me.
Please, somebody, anybody. Help me. Help this poor soul. The least you could do is shoot me. Crucify me. Advice me. Scold me. Burn me. Anything. I've never been so desperate for a girl before. I just want the relationship between us to become good again.
Urgh...so this is me when I whine, eh? I hope you really enjoyed this whining session. I guess you could all help me, or you could just leave me alone and just watch me writhing. I don't mind writhing, actually.
Meh..and you thought, "why haven't he gone suicidal yet?"
Jeezus...I haven't eaten yet. Should I eat? Or should I engross myself in self-pity and all the negative shit?
When I close my eyes, I could see her smiling....
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Revival?
A short one for now...I'm in the freakin' class fer cryin' out loud...
I think I'm gonna revive my journal lah. Lots of tension in the noggin for some unknown reason...
(Actually, I do know the reason... But for reasons of national security, I won't.)
To put it in a coarse language... Aku kantoi la. Bodohnyer. I cursed all morning today. Basically it's this: People told me to slow down; I didn't. Stupid, ne?
Yes, people, I welcome the seething/encouraging words. Bodohnyer.
So right now I'm at a junction. But one thing's for sure, I won't let her go. I want to pursue this one for real. This is just a minor setback. I have YEARS ahead of me.
Tengok la.
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Distractions?! zomgwtfbbqlololo!!11oneelevenone!1
Man...reading somone's very long blog gets ya thinking, innit? How long have I no blogged. And it's been a while since I've blogged big-time. Oh well, as people say, "distractions everywhere."
I won't list out my distractions here. Suffice to say that one of the biggest distractions that has plagued me, are only known to a select few ;). And it's better to stay that way. This distraction has taken me away from the usual "mope-and-brood" mode. I haven't got a chance to hit the neighborhood CCs. Heck, it even eats into my cellphone credit. But I'm not bitter, I'm happy. Trust me boys, [censored] is that good.
Now that the Orientation week has finished (it's called "Study Skills week"), tomorrow supposedly start the classes. Supposedly. The classes haven't been divided yet, and there's only the class schedule that's out. No more. Probably gonna see the coordinator tomorrow for the real thing.
Come to think of it, I'm getting doubts on myself. I doubt that I could carry the degree programme well. I doubt that might not make it to the finish line. But, go to hell with all these doubts. I will make it this time. I will make it happen. I can do it. And with the help from the distraction, I can.
What the hell...most of the posts are just few lines of text. Hell, that's what you get for thinking too much of the mucho distraction.
.........Er, yeah. Whatever.
And yeah, lame blog title. I'm a little loopy, yo.
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