Wednesday, December 29, 2004
2 days' worth of blog...and what difference!
Would'ya believe that I've got 2 days' worth of trash, and they're completely different from one to the other? Well, let's post the old one first:"The one that was supposed to be out of my mind comes back haunting me, and the worst part is, I wanted her to come haunting me.
By I'm supposed to not think about her. At least no more feelings for her. I've felt this time and time again. No matter who, no matter when. It throbs in the back of my head, and this is what is called an ambivalence feeling. Like it or hate it, it's there. Right there.
Of course there's always a backstory to everything. It's a short one at that. [BLEEP] was mentioned in one of the many throwback conversations us boys have in the penthouse. The boys did not aim it at anyone in particular, it's just a throwaway conversation. But somehow, it hit me like a boulder.
And like always, I suffer in silence. It would be stupid for me to express my dissatisfaction or displeasure or stupid emo bits to the boys. I just shut up and let my mind rot itself for listening to that name.
It's not that I hate the name. Heck, I fell [BLEEP] with [BLEEP] . But I'm supposed to go past that stage already. Move on. I am moving on. I have classes and I have obligations. I guess there's this one weakness with me and past loves which renders me incapacitated. lame, lame.
It happened before with [BLEEP]. And now it's happening all over again with [BLEEP]. I guess it's a work of an incomplete, young mind. And I lie to myself that I'm 22 years old. I am 22 years old, but only on the outside. My capacity to learn about these pains are still of a achild; responsive, but not able to react. and even worse when dealing with the same subject over and over again.
I'm just a child. I believe that when I said to myself that I wouldn't meddle in the social dealing of the people around me. The social politics of the people here overwhelms me, and I take the easy way out: I run away.
I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away. I run away.
Unable to help myself, I run away. Unable to grasp the social politics, I run away. Unable to pull myself out of any rut, I run away. But as I run away, I try helplessly to grab myself from behind, I want to cure him and comfort him and make him forget everything. But I couldn't catch myself, I was too fast running away.
The question beckons: where do I run away to? The answer is simple, it has always been there. I know the answer every time this question has been asked. Where do I run away to?
"The past. It's always been the past."
God damn that was depressing. You could feel the angst coming through your PC monitor, like some pizza oven heat or something. Brr...
And now for today's post... which I lied. I don't have a today post, instead I'm gonna write one now. D'oh!
Erm, basically, I'm 180 degrees away from the previous post's state of mind. I'm now a healthy young man, ready to rock the world in my own idiosyncratic way. I might not forget about her, but at least I'm not a whining bitch shinji anymore. I guess I've lost my angstyness during the past few days.
Oh, the past few days. I gotta be frank to y'all. I skipped classes on both days. Yes, you can shoot me with the orbital laser platform, just make sure you aim it to Sec.18, Shah Alam. But the two days of the quasi-vacation did some wonders to me. It gave me a lot of time to think and to reflect back on the year that is two-double-naught-four.
Somehow, I managed to wade through the fuzz. It became clearer to me now. Of course there's not light shining above me with my mini-nirvana revelation. I don't need that. What I know is that there will be a new year coming in and I with effort, I could make that year mine. I could say that's my new year resolution.
Hmm..So my New Year's resolutions are:
- Maintain my daily prayers. Heck, even the regular ones are non-existent. I'm aiming to eradicate this, by telling myself to follow the prayer times.
- Finish homework earlier. This could be done. But with the distractions, it's a give-or-take situation.
- Less angst, more smiles. This one I really want.
If lucky.
Bing. First post. Double post coming. :P