Thursday, December 09, 2004
National Security internal breach...
I'm in my Batman mode right now (which means I'm not Bruce Wayne, which means I'm really dark and brooding right now) and I want to blog, dammit. Incedentally, I'd like to enlist the help of my personal physician, Doc Love, Ph.D (Matters of Love and the Heart), B.Hons (Best Friend), University of Michigan.My dear readers, you're gonna have a treat tonight. Basically I'm gonna blog about everything that's in my head right now. EVERYTHING. That's right, readers. I'm gonna break the National Security procedures and I'm gonna tell you everything that makes me tick tonight. I expect the Black Maria van to pick me up as soon as I leave this CC.
Let's start things in a smoother scale first. Basically I have this empty black shell where my soul used to be. I duno how, but apparently tonight, I had this immensable hate for the world. And for the love of all living things, I hate my boys right now. There's no sense of unity tonight. Everybody's on their own track right now. And somehow, I hate it. But I've got to remind myself time and time again, they have their own lives, their own needs. They don't have to be around you all the time.
Then I realized why I'm feeling like this: I wanted to have company. At least somebody to talk to. I mumbled to myself that I missed Giant (the boy who's still stuck in Melaka). He is someone who I can talk to. We just ride in his car, just drive around and talk. At least I'm not lonely.
Lonely? I'm lonely? In this big city? Apparently, I do feel lonely. Heh, it sounds like I need professional counseling. I just learned that in class. I don't know why I feel lonely, but I do. Guess I should've find that lecturer of mine and make an appointment...
Yeah yeah...I bitch, ne?
Ookay..this is where we get to the roller-coaster ride. Get ready...
[editus rex: @syaoran: you what? don't tell me you messed "it" for the n-th time?! =.=' . Oh yeah, I did it big-time. So shoot me, dammit.]
Y'see, I have this problem of sorts, the central figure is a girl. Her name's [BLEEP]. She's [BLEEP], so she has this [BLEEP]. I loved my friend's expression when I introduced [BLEEP] to him. She greeted them by saying [BLEEP] and all my boys froze with a shocked expression on their faces. I really loved that moment.
I really loved her.
I loved her smile which has this particular spark on me. She looks a bit geeky, but she's okay nonetheless. Her short hair flows in the wind, her frameless spectacles glints off the sunlight and blinds me with with a one-two combo together with her charming smile. She is a practical dresser, and she knows what to wear when we go out to walk at the park or pasar malam. We talked as we walked, and I had to hold her arms and warn her about incoming traffic, lest she is engrossed in one of her talks. She smiles sporadically, so i mentioned to her that a smile can bring out positive energies, energies that she lacked. With her smile, she also provides the positive energy to me. She smiled when I praised her [BLEEP] she wore to class. We we [BLEEP]. But I tried to be on the same [BLEEP]. She has that naive eyes, which I was determined not to let her feel sadness. I was determined to protect her.
Somehow, we clicked instantly. We talked a lot and hung out alot. We went to the [BLEEP] and bought food and [BLEEP]. We went to lunch together, and she would get angry at me for belanja-ing her (god, that's some familiar modus operandi..).
But things...Didn't go so well. To put it in Reader's Digest version, I didn't give her [BLEEP]. So basically she's mad at me for being too [BLEEP] to her. She mentioned to me in the on the way to class. She was silent all the way, with no sign of a smile. I inquired her why, and she just asked me why I haven't been with my posse. I told her it's my choice for me to be with who I want. Somehow, when I said this, my too-advanced brain knew what she was inferring to. She wanted space, pure and simple, and I didn't have the right processing power necessary for me to realize that beforehand.
When I did realize it, I backed out gracefully. Gentleman to the last, I would say. Gentleman all the way, alright.
Behind her, I cursed myself for not realizing it sooner. Why couldn't I saw it coming? Why didn't I gave her the space earlier? Why this, why that? One thing is for sure, I am an idiot.
Yes, yes. I kantoi'd big-time. Ain't me a genious!? blugrghghg...Going cataconic...
One thing that is stuck in me, I'm really determined to woo this gem of my heart. I don't want her to get hurt. I love [BLEEP] with all my heart, and I can't stand losing her, like so many before her. This is my new chapter in life, dammit, and I don't want the mistakes of the past come back hauting me like an old scab in the back of my neck. I've lost so many before her. I've lost all the previous ones because I'm a wuss, not man enough, or basically a chicken. There was one before her (of course not [BLEEP] , she's a fucking stuck-up [BLEEP] who wouldn't even say hi to me, [BLEEP] ). There was one before her whom I loved so much, but I...just faltered. I just jumped the boat even before it sank. I was afraid of failures. I was afraid if hurting my own heart. I was selfish, but that was the old me...
This is me in Shah Alam. The old me is still here, but this is a new chapter we're talking about. Yes, the old ghost will still haunt me till the end of time, but at least let me gain something this time. The very least is a love from a girl...
I couldn't bear to see her not smiling to me. I couldn't bear to read her insincere SMSes. I couldn't bear her to...not acknowledge me.
Is that what's it's all about? You?? You and your acknowledgement? Your never-ending lust for acknowledgement by another? What are you, a character from NGE? (yes...?)
Whatever it is, I just want her. I want to love her. At least, I don't want her to have negative feelings on me. I.. I never cared so much for a girl. I cared so much for [BLEEP]. But thru my infinite stupidity, I managed to shun her. I managed for her to repulse me.
Please, somebody, anybody. Help me. Help this poor soul. The least you could do is shoot me. Crucify me. Advice me. Scold me. Burn me. Anything. I've never been so desperate for a girl before. I just want the relationship between us to become good again.
Urgh...so this is me when I whine, eh? I hope you really enjoyed this whining session. I guess you could all help me, or you could just leave me alone and just watch me writhing. I don't mind writhing, actually.
Meh..and you thought, "why haven't he gone suicidal yet?"
Jeezus...I haven't eaten yet. Should I eat? Or should I engross myself in self-pity and all the negative shit?
When I close my eyes, I could see her smiling....
First post~! Gonna double post shortly after I read the post. XD