Monday, March 28, 2005
Salt on the wound
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
Try it. I tried it myself on a bad day (today) and look what I am...
Very Highs: paranoid, narcissistic, avoidant.
I am not kidding you. Just great. Just as I'm having a shitty weekend, this test proves that I am what I am. Thank you.
I'm having a shitty week (not weekend, mind you), I just can't post it up on the blog.
Can't wait to go back home...
I need a hug.
Link dump. Cheh, nak link dump pun hilang moral...
http://crisvector.deviantart.com/gallery/
http://gallery.artofgregmartin.com/index.html
http://www.improveverywhere.com/
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Syaoran is totally bored
Damn distracted by 4chan boards...Now will be distracted by MT boards laks...heh heh.
Sigh. Oh yeah, copy/paste from the comment box, 'cos people is likely not gonna read the comment box when there's a new post up here.
5 posts over the weekend? You guys suck. I should appoint Pablo as the official spammer. Lase, you're fired. [editus] And now she walks away from me. Ala bucuk bucuk. Lase comel, don't be like this la. Ala bucuk bucuk. I'm just playing around jer.[/editus]
Dammit, I just can't sit quietly for some reason. I'm too distracted by anything. And that I'm easily bored.
I can't sit in the penthouse. Nothing's happening. Oh, there's this small thing happening tomorrow called the FINAL EXAM thingie, but I'm not worried at all about it. That gotta suck badly.
If I can't stay in, the logical sequence would be that I should go out. Where, muthafucka? To the CC? I only go to a total of FOUR sites. I don't spend time surfing. 4chan bores me outright. Luckily some of the stuff there is good. And no, I don't surf porno, even though I have a bad rep of being known as a reputable pr0n-mastah. Nope.
Well, if not CC, go out and eat? What eat? Stuff here is getting lacklustre. Repetitive. Plus the fact that I'm not that creative to "cook myself some good shit". Plus, monetary controls.
So to the CC I go. Where do I surf? 4chan. Lase's. MT. Mine. EXACTLY four site. Damn. That's pathetic. So the next logical thing is to blog. What to blog? Having writer's bloc? Too bad. So just write la about the boredom and writer's bloc. Just like I did now.
Sigh. I should shoot the boredom that's in my head now. Wait, that means... uh-huh.
But then, let's take a step back and take a look at it from a general view. Wait..more distraction...crazykimchi.com plaks.
Okeh, distraction gone. Sigh. I'm at my lowest point, eh?
Okay, let's take a look at the bigger picture...
Now why am I acting like this... Is it because of lack of human contact? Oh yeah, that might be the one and only reason. I guess it's her all the way.
*groan*...argh, not her again. Syaoran, you suck soo much. You like to promo your love life la. You suck terribly.
Yeah, I suck. We haven't contacted for the rest of the afternoon today. It's what we call "puasa sms". Of course I saw her in the morning. We made the decision to puasa. She has her own obligations. Plus, it's exam time. No playing around!
Sigh, I guess Pablo's snickering about this. She knows who I'm talking about. We're all classmates.
And pablo also knows that this girl and myself aren't for each other. Yes, people said we're a cute couple. But somehow both of us knew that this ain't gonna go past second base. It's so obvious. That's why pablo, the class, and the rest of the local populace, can see it.
Sheesh, I'm knee deep in this and...I'm enjoying this.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
a-this thing, a-called love, i just, can't get enough
First off I have to say that this is me-being-a-fugitive blog. Why? Well, there's supposedly a big 'fire drill' going on in Cemara. To be exact, all meatbags should go to the Cemara hall for the fire drill. Huh? Well, I don't get it too. So I run away la. Why bother going for something I don't really understand about? Damn hostel nazis. Oh, attendance is compulsory. Thus, me in fugitive mode.
I got a lot to blog here, so lemme lay out the future stuff first: Dad's comin' down to town. Atok Jabar's in the hospital (sg.Buloh). This means I'm outta here, folks. For a couple 'o days. The boredom's already hit my already-hollow cranium. Wait, ain't it supposed to be filled with, like, stuff for the finals? zOMG!
Next: shoutouts.
To Otter: I just realized 24th-26th is my finals. Boo-frickin-hoo. Oh yeah, Irasshai!
To Ross: Irasshai too. Stay and have cuppa of Gasoline. XD. Changed hosting again ah? Damn nice tagboard hide-'em-up. And you linked my site....
Which brings us to Lase: Hiya. Yeah, you can officially link my site. Emoticon overdose on the wig thing, but takpa la. And no, I won't put up a taggie just yet. Remember that tag-board was down for a few days? That kinda killed my interest in it. But the thing Ross did with the hiding Javascript..
Oh, I'm honored that you used me as an example. I almost broke my own coda and almost posted in your taggie. Then I remembered that taggies don't accept more than 200 charas (which is another minus point).
I thank you for the words you so deftly wrote down there. The weird question that I had in mind was, "people respect me? I thought I was just bantha fodder..." Self-depreciationist thinking, I know. But hell, I still thank you for those kind words.
Can't I live in some sort of a different world just like .hack//SIGN? Subaru was a handicapped but yet she had such power in the game itself. Can't I release all my feelings, thoughts and emotions in a webspace, where the number of people who know me are greatly reduced? Where I can scream but it still remains silent? Where my facial expression now and a minute later might change but still, no one knows? Where I pour out anything I feel comfortable and watches as it drifts away into cyberspace? Can't I be different.....?
I'd like to give an opinion about this. Yes, you can have the power just like Subaru. Yes, there is a place where you can be like a wolf, howling at the silver disk far away up above, and that the forest around you is silent, nodding in silence of your howl. There is a space where you have a thousand faces, and all those faces are yours. Faces that twist in agony, that mourn in the sadness, that smile when you're happy. And that those wandering souls thought you opened a mask shop. There is a place where the electrons flow like a silky river, and you release your paper ship into the river, full with your "everything" on board, watching it float on the electrons, drifting peacefully to the sea of cyberspace. There is a place where you are different.
Hmm....where is it? Is it on your desk? Probably. Is it in the palms of your hands? Maybe. Is it inside you? Most likely. So where is it...?
And that's just the damn intro, folks. I'm not into the main blog yet.
Here's the real blog.
Today I spent a bright, lovely day with a certain someone. We had fun and all, but somehow we had a small troublesome worry in the back of our heads...
To tell you the truth, and to dispel any rumors: no, we're not an item. We're not a 'couple'.
Which brings me to real meat of the blog: the concept of love.
Yes, yes...*groan*, not another shitty blog about love..again. *pukes*.
But wait! This ain't just 'another shitty blog about love'! This has content!
We're not really 'a couple'. We're more like a couple of best friends. We could hoo-haa just like some lifelong buddies. And yes, we cling to each other. Which makes people think that we're in love.
WRONG! What is this shit called love? When does two people who respect and care for each other should be labelled as lovebirds? So they hang around together. Does that mean they're in love? What is this love shit?
I have a friend who's in love with my classmate. They go out to dinner together. They sms non-stop. When the dude's not home, we could correctly guess that he's with his girl. Yes, you could call that love.
I also had loved a lot of girls in my lifetime. Granted, they suck donkey balls. So, are my feelings are the same as my friend's?
And then there's this girl. We hung out together. I guess the reason we stick together is that we have a lot of trust and respect for each other. We shared stuff, namely secrets and lunch money. She needed advice, and I was there for her. I need a good slap on the head, and she graciously obliged. So, we compliment each other.
And yes, I do have the hots for her. Guess what? I told her, directly. And she's okay with it. Of course, aside the feeling of ickyness (it's always the same reaction) she says that she has the hots for me too. Wait, that doesn't sound right.
Lemme rephrase that. I said I had loved her. I really worshipped her. But somewhere along the way, I couldn't see her as someone I could love. Instead, I saw her as a best friend. I couldn't love her as a guy loves a girl anymore. I love her a a friend loves another.
Wouldn't you know it, she says she loves me too. As a friend.
So basically, we love each other, as a friend. I'm not bitter about the "as a friend" thing. In fact, I really put a lot more value on the "as a friend" thing than on the usual lovey-dovey shit.
The real question is, what is the concept of love? What kind of love are we having? Basically I really hate putting labels on abstract ideas. The subtle meaning of the concept is lost when there is a label on it.
Let's put it in terms of wines. The wine bottle has a label on it. Let's see...Chateau Brineaux Volzes Shah Alam Cemara DonkeyShitte, 1925. The label says that this Chardonnay has taste of pinewood in it, as well as the distinctive taste of the black grapes that was harvested in 1925 where the smog that year made the winemakers a little tipsy and fell face-first when stomping on the grapes in the Sultan Rizal (a real shithead dictator) Royal Vineyard. It has the smell of herbs when you put your nose on the cork, and has that chocolate-y aftertaste like the maggot-infested out-of-date bar of chocolate. Okay, too much information about the wine.
What happens when an individual tastes the wine? One sommelier might find that there's a taste of strawberries in the wine, and it actually tasted like M&Ms. Another sommelier might disagree with it. There's a subtle sour taste in the wine, and it really does taste like zebra piss, not chocolate. What do you think it'll taste like when you sip it? Do you take your info directly from the label, and lose your own thought about it, or do you ignore the label and actually try to taste it, really enjoying the wine?
Long thing short: It's the process, not the end result. Not the label that accompanies it. It's the ongoing assesment.
Back to the love thing. So, when does two friends who love each other, as a friend, is considered a pair of lovebirds?
Oh shit...I think I got lost in translation somewhere. But one thing's for sure, we're not in love. We're friends. And I'll break the necks of people who'll go and heckle us, "ooh! you're a couple now!". Bullshit. We respect each other more. More than I respect you, that's for sure. *snap*
My friendship with her is based on trust. And respect. Without those, I don't think we could even stand each other. A friendship is a beautiful thing. I know that since the dawn of time. It's sad that people always have a skewed view, because of those labels.
When I'm friends with my buddies, people don't say a thing. We have respect for each other. We trust each other. Because of that, we are good buddies. But when the same things is between me and a girl, all hell breaks loose. "Ooh? When did you guys hooked up?" *snap*. I respect her. I trust her. I love her. Just like I love my buddies. And people don't call me a homo. When I even sit close to a girl.....
......
Whoa. Damn that's long. And I'm not angsty. Heh. I guess this could be my best personal record, right here. Sorry you guys have to tredge through all this shit. I am at best, kot.
Can you guys, like, read it? I pity you guys. It's okay if you wanna skip it altogether.
Holee-y shit. Mm-hm, that's some nice psychobabble there.
Jya ne.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Apologies to the two favorite dames in my life
Lionel Ritchie. Mmm..
[somehow, Syaoran today is a bit on a mindtrip, so he'll be typing this blog in a third-person view.]
Oh yeah, new post.
Somehow, I forgot that people have emotions too. It's not just about you, Emo Kid. Even though she's been giving you support, you should remember that she needs the emotional support too.
So, I guess all this while, you're a selfish bastard. It's all about you, you, you. You forgot there's other people in the world. you're just misguiding yourself by saying that "I'm lonely in the city weh weh weh" and shit. In fact, you forgot about those poeple who supported you. They need your support too. They just don't shout out loud asking for it, unlike you. They unselfishly give you advice and provide with all the shit, just because you can't.
All I could say is that, I would like to apologize to them for ignoring them for so long. It took me to visit someone else's blog to realize that she uses her soapbox for her to express her emotions too. 'N' was right, everybody's a good actor. You don't have to say you're a good actor to become one. People around me are also good actors. They hide their true emotions, just so that they could help me overcome mine. I'm sorry for ignoring you people.
Two precious people in my life, and I forgot all about them. Both of them should know who they are. They have their soapboxes, and they expressed themselves there. And all I've done to them is ignore them.
They have their worries. They have their feelings. They have their questions. They have their loves. They have their hurts.
Hontou ni gomen nasai, my two favorite dames in my life.
Wanted to write some more, but writer's bloc came. Damn. Oh, This might be the last of the constant blogs I'm gonna write, and the first where the updates are gonna be long in between. It's finals week, maa. I'm not gonna waste my time up here. Just hope that....erm. I forgot what to type already.
Oh well.
Oh yeah, closing copy-paste. I got this from one of the aforementioned blog. The owner don't need to speak up, if he or she realized that I've been to the site. Just...relax about it.
They say if you love someone it hurts.
Well, i'm hurting. Is this love?
When you show that you care, are you suffocating them?
When you wait for them to call and they don't, do you have a right to get angry?
When you remember them and think if they remember you, do you get nervous?
Do you question them?
If they are hurt and they don't tell you, what should you do?
If you trust them enough, that they will wait for you, are you secure?
Are you supposed to be sad when they are sad?
Can you call them just to say hi?
Eventhough they're busy?
I wish I know what love is and the answer to these questions.
Is this real?
One thing I know, if we never had the chance to meet..life would be unthinkable.
I can't imagine..
Sunday, March 06, 2005
F'n emotionally tired.
New post, nyo. And still with 30% condensed emofagness.
Wanted to release some tension now. I played Advance Wars 2 and somehow the level was fucking hard. Once should be enough to stop, but I tried it twice, thus twice the emo-ness. Bleh. :p
Somehow, I felt that it ruined a perfect day that I spent with someone. (And don't you go barfing on me!). It's a perfect day, and don't laugh, okay!
Oh well, now the angst is all gone (thanks to Gamefaqs.com, bwahaha). Back to teh blog at hand.
Lase said that I'm gonna love her update on her blog. To surmise, she said that she's just an actress and that she's just left the stage for two days. She feels that it's a pain and that she is not totally herself.
So, basically she says that she's off-stage all this time? So, what does this mean to me? Should I, like, go 'yay' at her post? Should I throw my hands in the air and dance in the streets? Or should I go and brood in the corner going masam all of a sudden?
I don't know what I'm gonna do. But what I know is that my previous post ain't a fallacy. I'm not implying that Lase's previous post is a fallacy. My previous post ain't "does not hold as much meaning as it did when I typed it anymore". (sorry Lase, for quoting your blog straight.) In fact, my previous post means a lot to me, and Lase's pervious post means a lot to me too.
I don't imply that Lase did a cop-out job. I'm saying that I'm not copping out from my post. All I typed was for real, straight from the heart. 100%.
maybe at the time of the previous post, Lase had something in mind. Maybe there's an idea running around. Or maybe her own Emo Kid got loose and wreaked havoc. I don't fucking know. (or worse, full moon rising. I'm always afraid of that weird concept. Brr.)
But, in her recent post, she says that she's back on stage, and that it (the prev post) don't hold much meaning anymore. Maybe she wrangled her idea back on. Maybe she managed to catch her Emo Kid and spanked her good (mmm...spanking...). Again, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. I'm not her master at life. Let her live, let her decide on her own. Timshel, baby. Timshel.
Do I love her newest post? I couldn't say. Do I hate it? I most certainly not. It certainly doesn't elicit any deep emotions or feelings. I don't want to say it, but it's more of indifference I'm feeling right now. It ain't like it should warrant another emotion-heavy post. Do you consider this post emotion-heavy? I considered my previous post as emotion-heavy. Because I poured out the stuff inside.
I'm too emotionally empty to make an apathetic post. Physically and emotionally tired. Maybe later I'll get something moving.
Apologies to Lase for quasi-dissing her post. Warnings to Pablo not to barf. Ibanez, you are teh lose.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Mystery lost
Erm, couldn't thought that a single post on someone else's post made me wanna blog...
Well, a decision was made tonight by Lase on her blog, Legoland. She simply wanted to come clear about herself, and not hiding behind the moniker of "Legolase" anymore. She said there'll be no more lies and bullshit and she personally welcomes people to go and talk to her. She basically wanted to write more about herself and her life more often.
Reading that, I felt two opposite opinions: One is that it's good to come out behind the Legolase. I guess it's time for her to be more frank in blogging. She wants to open herself to the world, and somehow I welcome her effort. She even wants to post pictures of herself (but fearing she would be viewed as perasan). Basically she wants her blog to be all about her, not Legolase.
The other opinion is that I'm not that okay with that decision. I know la that I don't have a say in her opinions. Her words are hers alone. I could only watch and give ringside comments only. Of course she can do whatever she damn well can. But somehow, I feel that she's making a mistake by opening up her life.
Somehow, I feel that this move will make the mystery that is Legolase disappear. To me, Legolase is a mysterious dame. She is the mystery, her surroundings are a mystery, and she lives off the mystery. She could even be a princess in some secret country, and nobody would know about that. Legolase is Legolase, blogging off her webspace with that (godawful) live action Sailormoon banner.
Of course la I know Legolase personally. She's been a great companion during those lazy hazy days in MMU. She's stubborn to the core, and strong-willed too. We socialize during those EMiNA days, which reminds me that she has great leadership quality that is evident after I left MMU. I remembered the time I announced my resignation in front of the EMiNA bigshots, and that she remained silent and looking down at the floor. I asked her later why, and she said she was too emotional to say anything at that time.
Even untill now, I value Lase as a great friend and confidant. She is the shoulder whom I cry to when I have the problems. She finds me personally to whine, because she knows me. I find her because I know her.
But all those communications were done without us being face-to-face. Except for a few precious moments where met f2f, the rest was done electronically. We talked all the time, online. We chatted about stuff using IMs or through the forums. Topics were discussed and argued in cyberspace. I remembered during the Long Post Wars, each sides had lots of material and each typed like there's no tomorrow.
I whined to her in the IMs. I let out my frustrations to her, and she consoled me. She finds me to whine about stuff, and I talked to her. All this was done under the cover of cyberspace. She was just Legolase, and I was just Syaoran. Pseudonyms for two persons who rarely see each other. With the rarity, comes the aura of mystery. Who knows what Lase looks like when I whine to her? What's her nonverbal expression? Is she annoyed? Is she smiling?
Thus, when the decision to open up came, I felt this more than I felt the other polar opinion. She is likely to lose her mystery. She is likely to lose Legolase, the crazy girl who likes Legolas the elf so much.
Ah, I'm venting all this for nothing. I respect her decision to open up. She don't need my final words to do anything. She can do what the hell she wants. I'll be here supporting her in the shadows, as I always am.
I guess I'm saying all this because I don't want to do that same thing. I'm saying all this to hide the admiration and the proudness I have for her having the balls to open up.
She is one in a million, after all.
Legolase, I salute you. You have my full support. I will be watching your back from the shadows like I've always been all this time. If you need someone to whine or to talk to, I am always here. Call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me.
*sniff*
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
ATM of terror +2
Aight, y'all. New blog comin' to ya.
This here's an all-out gripe session. Well, it could be, if I could get my ass off of that comfort of the lush CC chair...mmm..
Well, I guess the gripe comes when I'm in the dead heat and swearing profusely (no typo there, it's not sweating, it's swearing. Well, you could say it's a combo thingie).
Damn, fifteen plus plus minutes flew away, and I haven't got past the second paragraph... sigh.
Dah dah, I'm totally focused now (wait...where's that link leads to...?)
Ghaa!? Distracted again... :(
Ok, ok. Let's start this again. Close all tabs...
Err...okeh. All closed. Now, let's type.
Wokeh, about the gripe. It's basically a good ol'fashioned gripe about the state of things in Shah Alam. Or more specifically, here in sec.18.
The worst for me must be the ATMs. Why those? Well, because they suck, royally. Lesse, right here in sec.18, there's a grand total of five ATMs, all of them loyally spewing out money (well, if not money, that what do you want them to spit? Crap?).
Loyally spewing, yes. But that doesn't mean that they're loyal to service you. Well, my main bank is BCB, which has two operating ATMs. Sadly, the ATMs are at the corner of the shoplots, and when it's noon, people get the unnecessary tan. I don't mind standing in the sun. But when it comes to my turn-- Oy vey, I wish I had Akane's Magical Mallet +1 with me. This happens almost every time. Almost. It's not about the ATM suddenly goes dead when it's my turn. It's more like the ATM suddenly don't want to give me money. It takes a long time to read my card, and when it comes to withdrawing out money, the ATM gives out instead a "hardware failure" slip. Ouch.
You're standing there getting a nasty tan, and that's what you get? Plus, both ATMs gets jammed with people, all the time. Morning, noon, and - *gasp* - at night. Same goes to the Maybank just a stone's throw away. It has 3 ATMs, and luckily are situated inside an air-conditioned room, and that's where the luck ends.
It's the same thing too-- Chock-full of people. Goddamn, where do they all come from? The downside of Maybank's ATMs are that it's in a small glass room, where maneuverability takes a dive. Thankfully the ATM is willing to spit money to me, or I'm gonna be suddenly famished for stupid reasons. But the people, oh the people.
There are times when I don't want a Magical Mallet +1, instead I want a good ol' fashioned Magical Biological/Chemical Gas Grenade Of Doom +3 (extra critical), with the accompanying Magical Gas Mask Of Truth +2 (with the Leaf Village sticker for accessory). Throw the gas grenade in the crowd, close the glass door, and watch the hilarity that ensues.
And probably a good shotgun to blow open the ATM at BCB.
One thing that baffles me, are the throng of people at the ATMs. Where do they come from? I guess probably from the surrounding areas. Oh god, are people clueless. And that money plays a great deal here, kot. Every time people withdraw their money, it always look like a bundle. It's like they'll never need to withdraw it, ever. But then again, there's lots and lots people lining up to withdraw. Are these the same people who withdraw bulks of money? Ghaa!
Another thing that comes from the ATM story is the student's glee and happiness that their freaking PTPTN money had come in. zOMG! Like I freaking care! They are the same people who line up at the ATMs getting their blood money. They jam the place like hell. As an extension to this sorry farce, the stores also hike up the prices, knowing that the kids have the money, and they want rake is as much moolah as possible.
All of them: People at the ATMs, PTPTN blood money kids, the stores. All of them are muthafuckas. Damn them all.
About the bitter language about PTPTN: I don't resent the foundation at all, even though I'm one of the loan defaulters. (no, sorry. I won't fucking disclose the amount. Okay, now I'm getting resentful. Fuck off, and shut up.) The one thing I resent are the kids who spend their PTPTN money blindly. Do you fucking know where the money comes from? Do you fucking know that you have to pay it all the fucking back? Don't wave your handful of money over my face. Like I give a damn about the fucking money. Yes, money can buy food, but money can't buy the fucking happiness.
Do you think that the money given to you is for your fun? What happens to you after the money's "well spent"? Are you depressed? Feeling down? What is this, the new-old kind of recreational drug? What happens when there no more? Do you need it? Do you crave it? Fuck, it sounds like a fucking drug.
Of course, I'm guilty too. I won't be a fucking self-righteous bastard who preaches all the good stuff. I'm not a fucking tabligh. I've spent my blood money, and I'm very ashamed to admit that I will likely to spend any future blood money I'll recieve. But I need to stress that I'm not, and will never be, a fucking self-righteous bitch. All that I've said up there is for me too. A self-reminder, if you will. I'm not gonna preach now and hide later.
All I ask is that, don't prance like a ninny when you get any blood money. You got cash, fine. Shut up. If you want to spend it, just be careful with it, and be discreet, muthafucker. Don't do musicals on your way to the ATM. Don't blow the money on shit like "handbags" or "new dress" or any other stupid shit that you'll likely never have use in the near future (this goes out to the girls. Bee-atch).
Plan your financials. Don't blow it all up. Save your money.
Holy shit... He came out? Just look at the 4-letter word collection...12 "fucks" in five paragraphs. A personal achievement. But I guess he's really mad about this topic after all. I can sympathize with him (WTF are you talking about, fucker? You are me!).
Err..eheheh. Oookay.
Well, someone said a phrase to me, and it sounds fun. I know he'll love it. It's Carpe Jugulum; "seize the throat". Of course it's wrong translation (carpe means "to pluck", somebody mistranslated it to "to seize". I've checked wikipedia).
Err..yeah. I guess that's it. Oh yeah, link dump. This link's full of Bleach! screencaps, which translates for me as homework in vector tracing. I can't wait to go back home.
http://yummysushipajamas.com/ipw-web/gallery/random
Okay, back to the distraction that is 4chan... :D
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