Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Multiple psyche sucks.
[placeholder] Placeholder for a long blog coming up really soon. [/placeholder]Well, I gotta type fast cos there's some weird configuration of the events tonight. And let me say: brrr.
The placeholder was supposed to be about the day that was my birthday, but suddenly it took the back seat for something else more important (and will be absofuckinglutely wierd, God willing) tonight.
Tonight's supposed to be the closing ceremony of the Cultural Fair in the main campus. Alah, y'know, the one where I spent my b'day in the hall recording the theater. THe one with the fiasco and stuff. I'll tell you later.
Of course my mak angkat's coming down, and she insisted to go there. The thing is, she gomes in the bus along with the theater group. So, no private transport for me. (Boys: wink wink, nudge nudge.)
So here comes a "supposed" solution: try to brickwall my face and ask to borrow my dude's car for tonight. I really, really hate to borrow the dude's car. I'm like, totally segan at him. who the hell am I to easily borrow his car?
So nevermind lah. I try to ask. Just a few minutes ago, I called him. I was at his house upstairs and saw him lepaking down at the trees with his classmates. Turns out, that he wants to go to DSB too (DSB = Dewan Sri Budiman. Not, HSB, although I welcome that, too).
Just like me, I could always sense the prawns behind the instant noodles. I asked, "who's coming along with you?". I just asked just for asking's sake. That's because somehow I can see [bleep] sitting along with them. Of course she has her own friends in the Melaka troupe. Of course she wants to see them too.
His answer? "Ntah la, probably somebody kot." I knew she's coming along too. SHIT! Aw crap. I couldn't, like, turn down my own request, or something. To back out just because I could sense that she might be coming along? Bullshit! Of course I could see the akward silence enveloping the car tonight, but who the fuck cares. Especially, who the fuck cares about her, anymore.
But to answer my own question, I'll ask more questions: Why the hell you still go ballistic at the mention, or even at the sight, of her? Ain't she's like, nobody, to you anymore? Why the hell are you squirmish even with the concept of her?
I know the answer. (shut up!) I know why are you like that. (you shut up!) You still like her. (NO!) You couldn't get her out of our mind. (I can too! Shut up!) Somehow, you couldn't get over her, not like the case with Ida. (No! Fuck no! All lies!) You still wish she could accept you, but now she doesn't, you're like a former shell of yourself. (FUCK YOU! SHUT UP! FUCK OFF!) Plus, you couldn't handle the sights of her anymore, so you just distance yourself, avoiding the hassle. (GET THE FUCK AWAY! YOU PIECE OF SHIT! GET OUT!) But with tonight's event, it's a killer for you, eh? (...I...FUCK OFF, YOU SONUVABITCH....)
Why the hell you want to say all this? You're like, destroying yourself. Why couldn't you just shut up? Why do you had to bring all this up?
Why? Because I couldn't stand it anymore. All the stupid stresses. All the stupid avoidance. All this stupid shit that you still like her. Do you still like her?
NO,YOU STUPID FUCK. She has someone else. She don't need me anymore. I can find another. I have found another. She is still nothing to me.
But a mere mention of her, and you go haywire?
....
Is she like KakChik? Is is like Finie? Is she like Kimberly? Is she like any others you loved and cared all this time?
...Fuck off.
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Oi, both of you. Shut up!
Chiss, I couldn't believe both of them managed to get out and do some damage in this blog of mine. I'm sorry, people. You had to read all of this. These two are very damaging to my psyche. If you guys really do know what they did all along in my life, you'd like to say fuck you! too.
Sorry for all the obscenities. That's why I keep him on a very short leash. He's a sore loser, y'see. And his vocabulary only consists of cursewords. If only i could wash his mouth with detergent...
The other one pulak, he's like a natural born journalist, always asking the right questions to tick you off. He's quite useful on the field, but when he looks inside of me, holy shit, sparks and the occasional forest fire comes a-calling.
Time's up. I'm sorry, pablo, you had to read all of this. For the rest of you, I'm sorry too.
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