Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Merajuk?
Today I did something stupid. Apparently, thinking back to the event, this shows that I still couldn't shake things off. It also shows that I am still a child, and act childishly. Nevertheless, I'm going to defend this action for today only, For I felt that was the right thing to do at the moment. The defense will quit by tomorrow.Well, what did I do?
Well, I wanted to have lunch at the cafeteria that was a hunderd meters away from the main building (but still inside the faculty). The cafeteria was air-conditioned, plus the food was really cheap. I arrived in front of the cafeteria and was proceding to open the door, when I heard someone shouted "[bleep]" (you know who).
Of course, this was just someone having a very loud conversation in the cafeteria, and I should pay no attention to it. Instead, I just stood in front of the door, having a sense of dread. I knew that someting's gonna happen following that feeling. I hated it. Following standard ops procedure, I started sending out some sort of psychic sonar, trying to find out who's who in there.
[The psychic sonar thing? Oh, it's just a fancy name for this thing I do to get intel around the environment. Basically just straining the senses and catching faint sounds or images. Years at Langley well spent :P ]
So I found out that there's two tables occupied. The closest one are full of girls. The next table was a blur. I made an executive decision: just go in there and ignore them; get the food and just go. i went in. I make a beeline to the table far away from the occupied tables.
That was supposed to be my standard operational procedure. Scan the surroundings, make decision, get in, do operation, get out. Simple. Not this time.
I made another scan of the second table. Turns out that the Penthouse Boys are there. Phew. But wait, there's somebody else. Aw shit. A lady. And one particular lady likes to hang out with them, "[bleep]". And me in my childish mind, don't want to go to their table, basically feeling segan at the prospect of being at one table as her.
Mind you, I still haven't reached my table yet, let alone set down my bag and go take a look at the food. I'm still half-a-step away from my target table. All this happened in a split-second. Including what happened next.
Then one of the Penthouse Boys, Lampi (not his real name. Although it implies his operational status: Lambat Pickup. And no, I'm not ashamed of putting his nick in here. The reason to follow very soon.), he just waved his hand indicating that they're there (I just make an ignorant face as I walked in the cafe), plus he shouted my name in a sing-song way, trying to invite me to join them.
[This was my mindset at the moment.]
Like hell I would! She's there with them. I'm not just gonna waltz there and set my bag. I'm too segan at that. Plus, what's this asshole thinking? Then the rest of the boys look at me. She looked at me, and looked somewhere else. Fuck Lampi!
I just lift my hand saying hi, and then pointed to the food rack. I mouthed tapau, and just walked to the food rack, the bag still on my shoulders. I just looked at the food nonchalantly, but secretly looking at their table with anger. The food didn't look tasty anymore after that. I just walked out of the cafe, not even signalling anything to them. I had a final peek at them, and none of them paid any attention to me anymore. Fucking good. That's what I really wanted. I just walked out of the cafe, swearing and cursing.
Fuck Lampi! Why the hell did he do that? I was totally ashamed at that event. I'm too segan to even go near her, let alone look at her face anymore. It's not because of hatred. I'm really really segan of her. I don't hate her anymore. I just don't want to be associated with her anymore. I'm afraid she might lose face just by sharing the same table with me. I'm afraid I might lose face just by sharing the same table with her.
I walked out of the cafe, aimless. All I could do in that damaged moment was to swear my head off. I don't care if I disturb the nearby classes. I need to let go. And lose the anger. I really couldn't believe that really happened.
It was something truly unexpected. I really couldn't believe a thing like this could happen to me. All my CIA training didn't prepare me for the emotional stress. Dammit.
To put things short, I basically merajuk at Lampi, and by proxy, I'm merajuk at the Penthouse Boys. I didn't go up to the penthouse today, and I don't think I won't be going up there tonight. Come to think of it, they might not even feel a thing or notice that I'm not there. Fuck them.
Another thing that made me mad: the intonation of Lampi calling me, in the sing-song kinda way. What was he implying? Is he playing a game with me? Does he think I'm some sort of a joke? Does he think I'm amused at the intonation? Does he think I'm gonna accept the invitation like an obedient dog?
I went back home and tried to cool down. Thankfully I found a good book and that was a great distraction for me. Incidentally, I fell asleep reading the book, which is a good way to cool down my head.
And now, thinking back at the event, I'm ashamed of myself acting like a child. It does not really reflect the image of someone turning 23 years old in a few days. It feels like I'm five all over again. Stupidity rules.
Even though this is something that I should laugh it off, I still couldn't find the forgiveness in me. I could, could, forgive Lampi for his oh-so-chirpy invitation. He was surrounded by friends, so I guess he should act cheerful. Plus, he is Lambat Pickup, which could explain everything past present and future. Or I could forgive the rest of the Penthouse Boys. They didn't have anything to do with it. In fact, I thought I saw Také had an apologetic face when he looked at me, so that could mean something. Heck, I could forgive everyone and just let this silly thing slide away, like always.
But, until this day is over, I'm not gonna forgive anyone just yet. I'm still merajuk, and that's it. I'm not gonna go up the penthouse just yet. I'll let the things in my head cool down a bit. I'll forgive them tomorrow. But only tomorrow. For now just let me wallow in this new thing called merajuk.
Oh yeah, it's actually new to me. I've never merajuk (goddamn I don't know the english word for it. Must my my feeble mind.) ever in my life. Although my dad begs to differ. Pfft. I don't think I've never merajuk to the boys before. Well, they never do anything bad to me, that's a given. And frankly, I hate this emotion. Hating someone over some petty incident. Thankfully I've got lots of forgiveness ready to be dished out at a moment's notice.
And somehow, I'm guessing that's my weakness. Oh, yadda yadda yadda. Case closed.
Link dump! Lovin' this fanart page. :D
Damn, not another long post! Are you guys really reading these stuff or are you just in it for the First Post game??
[EDITUS REX:
More link dumps for me!
http://artbyfeng.com/
http://ningen.nattoli.net/
http://www.tv-tokyo.co.jp/anime/bleach/
http://www.j-bleach.com/
Oh..Forgot to tell you guys, I'm into vector-tracing right now. Granted, my first vector trace was a disaster, but I learned a lot.
And also, I'm into Bleach! now. God Damn I love Kuchiki Rukia. The anime rocks, btw. Fresh.
Oh, also: Naruto licensed in US. That means no more torrents from Animesuki. Didn't both of us saw this coming, Ibanez? To think we debated about this just recently...
END EDITUS REX.]
Primo alberino!
Muahaha, Ima the king of First Post!
Bow and kneel before your king all you first-poster-wannabe!